Sometimes the changes that really personally affect the partner of a transgendered (transsexual) person aren't ones that anyone would think of. They're the things that no one would consider asking when finding out that your husband is becoming your wife and so suddenly you're "lesbian" (nope, still bi thank you). Silly things like, will she borrow your clothes? (Absolutely, though my pants wear like capris since she is 11 inches taller than I) Can you share shoes? (Nope, her shoe size is nearly double mine, sadly) What will the kids call her? (we chose a different language variation on mom, as always I'm mommy) Or .... wait ... what does this mean for my dream of being a Stay At Home mom?? Each and every one of these questions has given me pause. Every one has been on my mind much more than the big questions like what happens in the bedroom? (It's still quite nice thank you) How will you afford transition? (I happen to have great insurance that will cover her) Will you still be attracted to her? (Of COURSE attraction to me is 90% personality) But the one that is on my mind right now is the last of the "minor" questions I posed above.
What the heck does this mean for my dream of becoming a Stay At Home Mom? See, this is a multi-leveled issue here. Before, I was mom, I was the mom, and it makes more sense for mom to be the one with the kids day in and day out than dad. But that's just it, I'm no longer the mom, I'm now a mom, one of two. Sure I'm the one who bore the children (only because I'm the one who has the physical capacity), I'm the one who breast fed/breast feeds the children (only because birth automatically stimulates that and she'd have to use artificial means to stimulate it) but that doesn't make me any more of a mom than she is. And so there is no longer a logical argument there that I should be the Stay at Home parent and she should not.
To add to this frustration, I make the better income. I carry the awesome insurance for the family. My job has the higher possibility of not only a raise but a promotion. My job has better vacation and holiday plans. My job is "better" all around. Except for the fact that I really don't want to be working, I want to be home with my kids. I work from home, but that isn't exactly better, all it does is mean that I'm at home, ignoring my kids, rather than at work not being around them. BS works too right now. I work days, she works nights. This is how it has to be right now while we dig out of pits built up through prior life issues. But once we can get out of those pits, once our finances are above water, the goal is for someone to be home with the kids ... and I just realized that that someone likely will not be me.
I never expected to be a working mother. I have no clue how my parents did it but my mother never worked when kids were home. She only worked when we were at school, and only during school hours, very part time. My parents had 8 children, and somehow they managed this. But we practically never saw my father. So, I went into adulthood and even parenthood a bit naive. I expected to be able to stay home with my kids. I expected to be able to purchase and own a home and still stay home with my kids. I didn't expect to have a lot, I'm not that naive, but I expected to be able to get by. Unfortunately that is not the reality of our situation, and we both have to work right now. But some day, some day when we get our finances fixed, hopefully after BS's transition is finalized in a couple years, one of us will be able to stay home with our kids. This is my ultimate goal now, even if that one isn't me. Because in the long run what is important to me is that my children have a mom home to love them and raise them. That they are not raised by random teachers who change every year and simply can't care for them the way a parent can.
So, in support of the lovely woman in my life, and with the needs of my children in mind, I have revised my whole outlook on life yet again. I will continue to work. I will not do the bare minimum but I will endeavor to thrive in my work place. I will make a career out of what until now I considered a job. I will move up, I will get to the highest position that is possible for me with my skills, my abilities, and my family life. And I will make it work so that my family can have more. More time, more love, and more of each other. This is the thing I can do for my family, to ensure that my children grow up to be the best people they can be and so this is what I will do, for all of us.
Wish me well, as I never wanted to be a working mom and now I am setting out to make it my life's work. I will ensure that my family has all they need. I will be the breadwinner. I ... swear I'm more a man than she ever was. ;)
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