See, as I've stated before, I was never exactly "masculine" even in my public persona. Even as a child my closest friends were girls, I never liked getting down and dirty in the mud. I played house, had stuffed animals and a toy kitchen for it too. In the third grade, I got a reputation as a "gay" because some of the sixth-graders caught me and a guy I was friends with fooling around in the woods (kid stuff, nothing wrong). I knew I wasn't a boy, but it didn't matter then, I was too young for gender to truly have much effect on my. Then, puberty hit around the age of 10...
Around the same time, I happened to discover that transitioning genders and SRS surgery was a real possibility. I devoured any information on it that came my way, and even with what little I had to go on, I KNEW that one day I would find a way to transition and be the woman I was on the inside. Problem was, I was too afraid to come out.
My parents were unavailable, they were both massive potheads AND my father was an alcoholic. As far as they knew, I was a boy and they encouraged every stereotype under the sun. If it were just that, maybe I would have come forward then. But my favorite uncle was an extreme homophobe (and to this day he has yet to speak to me voluntarily since my transition). So I suffered through it, buried my true self beneath a false exterior. But I still wasn't a very convincing guy, all through my teenage years...
I had no self esteem, I hated the changes my body was going through, and then the severe acne reared its ugly head. Too depressed and socially withdrawn to date locally, I became an internet junkie and dated online. Still, even those weren't normal relationships. All of my girlfriends have been bi, bi-curious, or turned les later in life. I attracted only women who were attracted to other women on an emotional level. I traveled the country, and even to Europe, to meet and be with some of these girls. Then, I fell for my best friend, we'll call him C.
We had both dated British sisters. We were in the same online gaming group. We had the same interests, and to top it off he was a cute bi guy. We fell hard, and we had fun for a while, but we eventually agreed to split up because neither of us was ready to come out at that time. I later ended up moving nearer to him, and we worked together and hung out constantly. We both had local girlfriends (for a change), and we both ended up cheating on our girlfriends with each other.
We talked, I told him that I wished I had been born in a girls body. See, I spent years joking with my friends that I was a "lesbian trapped in a man's body". Only I wasn't joking. He didn't have a problem with this, but we still agreed that it might be best if I moved home so that the temptation didn't cause him to leave his fiancee. So, I broke up with my crazy (now lesbian) girlfriend and came home.
I went back into the closet, decided that I was too ugly, too tall, too whatever to really transition. I wasted another five years, except they weren't all bad. I met and fell for KM and her son (then 2). She left her abusive husband for me, and we ran away together. We bought a house in a nice neighborhood. We had our kids.
Then I came out, as I've stated before. I could have done so years ago, but if I had I wouldn't be where I am now, and I am very happy to have what I have now.
Wouldn't trade it for the world. :)
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