Falling into Poly, and the Lemonade gets sweeter

It's been a while since my last post, life has taken some interesting twists since then.  Our friends (L and B) who moved in with us were aware of our poly feelings (though lack of any ongoing poly relationships) and had expressed that they were intrigued but felt too likely to be jealous to be poly themselves.  Somehow over the course of the first month they spent here with us many of their concerns melted away and they found themselves open to poly themselves, it seems they were developing feelings for BS and I.  They spend much of the day with BS while I am working and have developed a very close and complex relationship with her, Poly just seemed the next logical step and they all took that leap about two weeks ago.  Their entry into a full on Poly relationship was a bit rocky due to miscommunication mainly between BS and I and things have been tense, though still good, here since.  We have worked out many things over the past two weeks and things are just continuing to look up.

Part of the miscommunication in the entire situation was the fact that I was still assuming that L and B felt they 'could not' do poly due to their own tendencies towards jealousy.  So I was (blissfully?) unaware of any developments otherwise because in a position where I have been told someone is not interested and there may be the possibility of disrupting their current close relationships I refuse to take any action that may cause issues.  So I was operating on what I had been told with the jealousy factor and refusing to see any possible advances because I did not want to cause any jealousy.  They have since discussed with me that they feel they are working past the jealousy issue and they are interested in a poly relationship not just with BS but with me as well.  This came as a shock to me so between my apparent obliviousness and my general lack of time with the other adults in the house due to being the only one who works days I am taking it generally easy and just seeing where a natural relationship progression might lead me.  BS had a month and a half of close daily contact to develop the relationship they have so I feel that a couple of months of development on my part to reach the same point with my limited time capacity is probably not stretching things too much. 

On to the factor that is bound to come up in the minds of anyone following here.  The kids, as far as the kids are concerned we all live together, we all care about each other, all the adults are in charge.  With both families bed-sharing that means that bed rooms are off limits for any "intimate" time.  No matter, there are other rooms in the house and typically we end up cuddling on the couch with things possibly or possibly not progressing from there on any given night when more than one adult is home and awake.  We do not currently have any concerns about being 'walked in on' but should that become a concern our TV area is set up in what is technically a bedroom in the house and the door can be shut and locked to prevent any accidental issues with the children. 

The Kooky family: Myself, BS, OC, MC, YC now plus the semi-extended kookiness of L, B, mini L, and little R.

When life doles out Lemons ...

Life in 2011 was so hard for so many people.  In addition to the typical economy worries and the stresses that come with a new baby we also had the complications of BS beginning transition and everything involved in that.  This, needless to say, increased our financial strain as well as our time strain (with therapist appointments, etc).  Some close friends of ours also had serious concerns in 2011.  He lost his job and she has been a stay at home mom since their oldest (nearly 3) was born.  Despite doing everything in his power for months he was unable to find a job.  We discussed things and with me working from home and BS's schedule being what it is we needed additional child care assistance.  We then arranged for our friends to move into our spare room with their children (they are also a bed sharing family just like we are) and exchange child care assistance for housing until they can get back on their feet. 

Our friends moved in about a week ago.  We now have a very full house, with 4 adults and 5 children, but it is more fun and functional than ever.  There is always an adult around to handle any situation that may arise with the children, we all parent so similarly that there haven't been any issues with us helping out with each other's kids, and both sets of children are improving social skills by having more "siblings" to have to work things out with.  This is what I imagine tribal living would be like, and personally, I like it.  During this transition period every adult (and half of the children) in the house has gotten sick.  However, rather than having the entire house fall apart and children being (somewhat) neglected while a parent tries to handle everything basically alone we now have support from more sides and things get done, even if only on a minimal level. 

So, take two families relatively down on their luck.  Mix them together, throw in some hard work and some patience, and you get one small tribe, still somewhat down on their luck, but with somehow much less stress.  Lemonade can be made from even the sourest of lemons, but sometimes it takes creative thinking and hard work.  We plan on our first joint outing and pagan rituals this weekend and I expect some odd quirks but for everything to come out relatively awesome.  Welcome to the Kooky Household, where things just keep getting Kookier. 

Celebrating Yule

We celebrated Yule today, and while today was interesting, exciting, and wonderful, I have to start the story with  last night. 

We are still slowly developing our pagan rituals and celebrations so for now Yule looks mostly like Christmas here without the manger scene, church, or much talk of Christ.  We participate in the tradition of Santa Claus, but Santa Claus comes on Yule here.  So, last night we informed our children that tomorrow was Yule/Christmas and I told MC that "Santa may bring you a doll, or a horsey, or something like that".  Well, apparently that was both just the right thing to tell my wonderfully different son to get him excited and just the wrong thing to tell the little guy to get him to SLEEP.  He ended up being so excited that despite starting bedtime at 7:30pm it wasn't until after midnight and a drive in the Van with BS that he finally fell asleep.  Poor little guy.  Every time he'd almost fall asleep he'd snap his eyes open and in his very limited speech capacity express his excitement by saying "Ho Ho Ho", he was watching for Santa. 

So, this morning around 8am OC wakes up and climbs from his room (baby gate) into ours since he has to go through our room to get to the main areas of the house.  I looked up at him and told him he was allowed to go to the bathroom and then come right back up, no touching the Christmas stuff.  Yep, I'm that kind of mommy, Christmas/Yule is a family affair and the entire family will enjoy it together.  So, he did as he was asked (oh what a blessing that was) and came back up.  About 20 minutes later MC started to stir and Grandma and Grandpa (BS's parents) called and said they were almost here.  MC nursed a little bit for a more comfy wake up, especially since he was so short on sleep, and we all got up and went down for our Stockings.  OC, of course was super excited.  We all got into our stockings as OC practically threw them at all of us, and then I insisted on changing the baby's diaper, getting him dressed for the day, and at least taking MC potty so he didn't wet himself before any gifts were opened. 

Grandma and Grandpa were wonderful this year and nearly doubled the gifts under the tree upon their arrival.  This was certainly a blessing because due to limited budget OC had one gift under our tree, MC had two gifts, and the baby only had his stocking.  So after Grandma and Grandpa came the baby had two gifts, MC had 3 or 4, and OC had at least 3.  OC got things typical for an 8 year old, clothes, a radio headset, and an e-book reader, which was the one main gift he got from us.  With his going back and forth from our house to his father's house and other excursions we make it is much easier if he can take a number of books on an e-reader than trying to take a stack of books that he likes.  He also got a therapeutic chew toy so that he would stop chewing on his clothing and random items, and a therapeutic stress relief "twisty toy" for other times when he needs a distraction, as stocking stuffers.  He seems to love both and I am very happy about that.  He also got $40 to spend or save for himself.  This is our method of teaching our kids financial responsibility.  It may not be regular money (allowance style), but they do get money that they have to budget their own spending from.

MC's gifts were interesting.  In choosing gifts for MC we try to be fairly cautious.  Since he is still mostly non-verbal it is not like he is requesting things looking through adds, and we don't watch TV with commercials, only Netflix, so we do not get exposure that way.  So, while picking toys for the children we took him through the toy aisles in the store.  When he started reaching for toys, that is how we chose what to buy.  MC got "Twilight Sparkle" a talking My Little Pony doll with books that she "reads" aloud, a Cabbage Patch Doll, and a potty and a new shirt for his "little baby" who is a miniature baby doll.  Grandma seemed a bit surprised, and even uncomfortable with the gifts for MC but luckily she did not say anything against them.  Grandpa took it all in stride.  When we explained that we took him through the toy aisles to choose his gifts everyone seemed to calm a bit more about the situation.  I honestly feel like sighing that such an explanation is even necessary.  My opinionated 2 year old may not speak but he makes his desires known, there is no reason I should have to explain said desires.  Either way Grandma was luckily thinking along gender neutral lines herself.  She lucked into a perfect gift by getting our Curious George loving little one a Monkey doll and blanket, so now he has his own George.  She also got him clothes and a few books, but what kid gets all excited about those? ;)  He also got $6.50 to spend, or save, for himself.

As I stated above, the baby got mostly food, a stocking full of food.  He also got a new outfit from Grandma and Grandpa and a cute stuffed panda from Grandma and Grandpa.  I have a feeling our stuffed animal collection will continue to grow for a few years yet. 

As for the mommies.  I got an amazing buckwheat pillow, complete with a lavender satchet so it smells amazing.  I've been talking about wanting one for YEARS and BS apparently took it to heart and bought me one.  I'm so happy, I haven't even officially used it yet and I'm still just in love with the thing.  I also got the final book in Christopher Paolini's Inheritance Cycle.  I think I'd be more excited about that if I had any time to read.  From the Grandparents I got a sweater.  I'm not sure how I like the fit yet because they got it through Avon and the smell is too strong for me to wear it until it's washed.  BS's mother finally made an awesome clothing purchase on her part and got her a gorgeous black form fitting sweater.  It fits her wonderfully and accents all the right spots, it is very classy and very feminine and just perfect.  From us BS got a fondue set and an appointment to get her ears pierced. 

We may not have come home with huge hauls, but I think we had a nice Christmas.  We took Grandma and Grandpa out to eat afterwards and treated them to a nice "Christmas" brunch.  All in all it has been a wonderful morning, and I'm looking forward to a relaxing afternoon.

Gender Insanity

Hey, BS here,

Been kind of empty in here as of kate, and I've had thoughts stirring in my head, so here we go.

Our middle child is exhibiting signs of possibly be transgender. He has a strong preference for anything that fits a female role - toys, clothes, activities. When he is given a choice, he always picks clothes that are purple, pink, and/or frilly. This is not something he really sees from either Kooky or myself, because we tend to dress in darker colors, in jeans and t-shirts or gothic tops. In fact, most of MY shirts are t-shirts and hoodies. He has all brothers, so he's not picking this up off of hem, and he has one f cousin he sees maybe twice a year who doesn't even go for pinks or purples or frilly clothes. So there's not much chance that he's emulating something he's seen us do.

Now, we've been pretty accepting of this, and let him pick which clothes he wants to wear or which toys he wanted to play with. We figure if he is TG, then we'll deal with it down the line, and if he's not than it's just a phase. So we try not to encourage gender roles in one direction or the other.

I also try to shield him from my feelings on being born in the wrong body, whether that be by bad mouthing my penis or letting him see me tuck. However, while potty training he's realized that his maman has a penis, and momy has a vulva. I don't see a problem with this, I think it's healthy for him to realize that girls can be different. So, imagine my surprise when I'm helping him change under and he looks at me, then points at his penis and says "yuck. Yucky." I just replied and said "oh really?" That was a few weeks ago, but he's done it again at least twice with me since then.

I worry, because that's one of the major signs of childhood GID. It's possible his is all a phase, or that he's just picking up things he's observed and repeating them, but we try to shield him from my body issues, as I said. We will continue to monitor the situation, but this all feels so familiar to me. There may be child psychs in his future, but only if it becomes necessary. If he is GID and wants to transition, then we'll let him. If not, that's good too. We love him for who he is, whatever that may be.

Hiding in Plain Sight

Or when it's all just too much.

Working from home with a computer based job means I am automatically on my computer for much of the day.  This is obviously understandable and sadly fairly necessary.   However when you combine a sometimes slow (I don't always have active work to do but I have to be available during work hours) computer job with a multi-tasking easily addictive personality, you have a ready recipe for an internet addiction.  When you further compound this with post partum hormones, a general non-social personality, general family stress, 3 kids, financial struggles, etc. it becomes all too easy to bury yourself in something like, say Facebook, and only come out when it is critically necessary. 

I would say I have a fairly unique preference for in depth social interactions, but online not in person.  I don't like to use the phone, I prefer text.  Given the choice if I only have to think of me, not my family or the other party's preferences, I'd rather "chat" with a given person online than meet them in person.  I don't do the social scene, I never really have, I'm just bad at it.  I have always been a social outcast, I could always point to some external "reason" for this, but the truth is, it's just me.  I suck at social interaction.  Get me together with a group, even one I've been "chatting" with online for months, or even years, and I'm not about to go introduce myself to anyone, I rely on them to make the first move.  I have an annoying tendency to interrupt people (this is quite accidental I assure you, I do my best to prevent it but it still happens), and also to just talk on and on about myself, because I don't know what else to talk about.  I just don't know how to handle myself in a social setting, and it's not for lack of exposure.  I grew up in a large family, there were always people around.  I went to public school, was a member of a youth symphony, was in Orchestra, went to Church twice weekly for a total of at least 4 hours a week, went to college, and then trade school.  I had all the "typical" social exposure, just the intricacies of "normal" human social interaction never made sense to me.  I still to this day can't figure other people out.  Again, I used to blame this on circumstances, but really looking at it, any negative circumstances I had I could have over come if I had any clue about how people work. 

Strangely, when I can get over myself and talk to people I often find myself in sort of a counselor type role.  This dichotomy really does not make sense to me.  I don't understand people in group settings, really at all, but one on one I can read people.  I can get them to talk about things they'd never normally talk about.  I can get someone I barely know talking like we are old friends.  I can make an old friend out of an acquaintance very quickly in one on one conversation, but when I get into a group setting I freeze.  I don't know how to interject myself in a conversation, how to be part of a multi-person conversation without taking over said conversation.  I just don't know how to interact with a group of people, and I really have no clue why. 

Maybe this is why I can look at how busy and stressful my life is and rather than making that be an excuse to get out away from it all (with or without) my family in a social setting with a group that I do already know (from internet interactions) I find reasons that I "cannot" go.  When my partner suggests that my stress is having a negative effect on me, and by extension on my whole family, and suggests therapy to either treat or prevent what she sees as developing PPD, I can come up with a dozen reasons that it's "not a good idea" or I "don't need it".  The truth is both of these things would be good for both me and my family.  I need someone, or someones, to talk to.  I have been burying myself in my online world for far too long. 

The problem is, my online world is not real, when my best friends are in Colorado and California and I need help at home with my boys because if I have to get up 6 times a night to nurse one or the other of my young children and then my 8 year old crawls into bed next to me for a nightmare, and then the nursing thing repeats itself the next night punctuated by my partner waking me up for a "snuggle" in between and all I want is to be able to take a freaking break .... I have no one I can hand the kids off to for 5 minutes and go take some "me" time.  I can't swap an hour of babysitting on a day when my best friend has school and work and barely slept for an hour of babysitting on a day when I have a heavy work load and barely slept.  I can't just go give my best friend a hug and know it made both of our days better.  As much as I like to pretend, a virtual hug is just not the same, and certainly can't compare to 20 minutes of idle chatter over a calming cup of tea.

I realized much of this with a small falling out with one of my close internetFacebook, even to the expense of my own family.  Then thinking that, I realized that even after I'm "done with work" when I no longer have to be available on my computer, I pop back in at least 3-12 times a night, if I'm not just on my computer still.  In the middle of the forum mess I found myself letting my baby cry because I just "had" to get my response typed out, and realized that it was too much.  I couldn't do that to my family anymore. 

So I have done what I know many before me have done, and cut myself off from Facebook at least, for a while.  I have made the attempt to cut myself off from all online forums that are not also local moms that could swap babysitting with me, get together and have a cup of tea, etc.  And I realized, I have access to women who I could do those things with, and I have never really made the attempt to make that happen.  This is my own failure, not the failure of these wonderful women, and for that I am sad.  How much have I cost myself and my family in not making the attempt to give us a local social life?  Whatever the answer is it is too much.  And it's time to pop my bubble and get out there, because whether I feel dumb or not, I'm a grown woman and I need to provide for my family first, myself second, and my neurotices last.

Changing Roles or Simply a new point of view?

Thanksgiving preparations are heavily under way here at the Kooky household.  BS's parents will be joining us for Thanksgiving dinner here at our house.  I LOVE Thanksgiving.  It's a holiday I've always adored.  Growing up a chronically hungry child (due to a super fast metabolism not lack of nutrition) in a large relatively poor family Thanksgiving was the highlight of my year.  We would go to one Grandma's house for Thanksgiving lunch, I would stuff myself silly then go run around with the cousins.  Fifteen minutes later I would be back to eat pie and have 2 or 3 different kinds, basically stuffing myself again.  Then I would run around with the cousins again to work off more food, and we would go to my other Grandmother's house for Dinner and do it all over again.  Mmmmmm fooooood. 

So now, even though it's only my little family and BS's Parents, I go all out for Thanksgiving.  I want to provide for myself and my children that same happy full-belly feeling that I had growing up.  So, we make pies ahead of time (and try to have at least two different desert options, always including Pumpkin Pie) and we make Turkey, and Stuffing, and Salad, and Potatoes, and ... well you get the picture.  Anyway, being a fairly "green " person I prefer making my Pumpkin Pie from scratch, with a fresh pumpkin cooked at home and pureed not some stuff from a can.  So yesterday we pulled out the Pie Pumpkins purchased ahead of time and started trying to hack them in half. 

I don't know what the deal was but I must have bought the woodiest pie pumpkins ever!  Those things were bad and we don't have a good strong serrated blade here, we have some thin steak knives, and we have some quality steak knives that are only half serrated (at the tip).  So we had to get creative and tough with the pumpkins.  So, the first one BS and I are taking turns hacking at it and passing the baby back and forth.  Finally I get freaking sick of it and we're 3/4 of the way through the pumpkin down both sides, I just opened up the top (cut out the stem) and pulled the damn pumpkin apart using sheer brute strength.  The 2nd pumpkin was even worse, I literally had to saw through the shell and then cut through the flesh separately.  So I spent all the time to get 3/4 of the way through that one and I was beat.  BS stepped in and demanded I let her try, so I eventually did, and she ripped apart the thicker woodier pumpkin the same way. 

So during this whole ordeal BS and I were arguing mostly jokingly back and forth.  Her "let me do that", me "you don't have to be the man about things, you no longer have more muscle strength than I do", her "but I'm bigger", me "and" etc etc etc. 

See here's the thing, at a glance this would seem to be a direct result of the transition, but the more I thought about it, it's not.  Sure the stuff we were saying was a direct result of the transition, but here's a glimpse of what this same thing would have been like pre-transition.  'Him' "let me do that", me "I'm fine", 'him' "seriously let me do that", me "I got it! I'm not a wimp", 'him' "but I'm stronger", me grumblingly backing off when I get worn out. 

So, when you really look at these exchanges, there's not necessarily a role change in our house.  In many ways there seems to be just a new point of view and a new understanding of the dynamic between two headstrong, stubborn women, one of whom just happened to be born in a male body.
-Kooky Mommy

How I Knew I Was Trans

When you ask a trans person when they knew, you can get a variety of answers. Many have had similar experiences, but we're individuals (just like everyone else :P). For me, I guess I always knew, but there was a moment during puberty when I KNEW beyond anything else that one day I would walk this path.

See, as I've stated before, I was never exactly "masculine" even in my public persona. Even as a child my closest friends were girls, I never liked getting down and dirty in the mud. I played house, had stuffed animals and a toy kitchen for it too. In the third grade, I got a reputation as a "gay" because some of the sixth-graders caught me and a guy I was friends with fooling around in the woods (kid stuff, nothing wrong). I knew I wasn't a boy, but it didn't matter then, I was too young for gender to truly have much effect on my. Then, puberty hit around the age of 10...

Around the same time, I happened to discover that transitioning genders and SRS surgery was a real possibility. I devoured any information on it that came my way, and even with what little I had to go on, I KNEW that one day I would find a way to transition and be the woman I was on the inside. Problem was, I was too afraid to come out.

My parents were unavailable, they were both massive potheads AND my father was an alcoholic. As far as they knew, I was a boy and they encouraged every stereotype under the sun. If it were just that, maybe I would have come forward then. But my favorite uncle was an extreme homophobe (and to this day he has yet to speak to me voluntarily since my transition). So I suffered through it, buried my true self beneath a false exterior. But I still wasn't a very convincing guy, all through my teenage years...

I had no self esteem, I hated the changes my body was going through, and then the severe acne reared its ugly head. Too depressed and socially withdrawn to date locally, I became an internet junkie and dated online. Still, even those weren't normal relationships. All of my girlfriends have been bi, bi-curious, or turned les later in life. I attracted only women who were attracted to other women on an emotional level. I traveled the country, and even to Europe, to meet and be with some of these girls. Then, I fell for my best friend, we'll call him C.

We had both dated British sisters. We were in the same online gaming group. We had the same interests, and to top it off he was a cute bi guy. We fell hard, and we had fun for a while, but we eventually agreed to split up because neither of us was ready to come out at that time. I later ended up moving nearer to him, and we worked together and hung out constantly. We both had local girlfriends (for a change), and we both ended up cheating on our girlfriends with each other.

We talked, I told him that I wished I had been born in a girls body. See, I spent years joking with my friends that I was a "lesbian trapped in a man's body". Only I wasn't joking. He didn't have a problem with this, but we still agreed that it might be best if I moved home so that the temptation didn't cause him to leave his fiancee. So, I broke up with my crazy (now lesbian) girlfriend and came home.

I went back into the closet, decided that I was too ugly, too tall, too whatever to really transition. I wasted another five years, except they weren't all bad. I met and fell for KM and her son (then 2). She left her abusive husband for me, and we ran away together. We bought a house in a nice neighborhood. We had our kids.

Then I came out, as I've stated before. I could have done so years ago, but if I had I wouldn't be where I am now, and I am very happy to have what I have now.

Wouldn't trade it for the world. :)